As I’m approaching the year mark of being on chemo, my mind wanders. My mind retraces the steps of the past year. Fears, feelings, and memories float to the surface of the pool of darkness that I’ve tried to dry up. I find myself with tears in my eyes as I stare out across our backyard, or watch my students write journal entries at their desks in the morning. The happy face that I have painted on can only hold it’s form for so long. When people say:
Let go of things you can’t control
Live life with no cares in the world
I want to scream. I did think positively. I didn’t have A CARE IN THE WORLD. I DID LET THINGS GO I COULDN’T CONTROL. I DID LIVE THAT WAY.
And then that word crept into my life and made it’s home. It devoured my future plans. It laughed at my worries. Cancer. Oh, how I hate you.
I have learned, tears are okay. Anger is okay. Fears are okay. Not having a plan, is okay. I have gotten through this past year of uncertainties. I will get through tough times and moments to come in my next year. I will.
It’s a hard thing to do – completely change the way you look at life. Treat every single moment, every good time, smile, and laugh, like it could be the last. It’s such a cliche, those words, but it is a cliche that I have learned to say over and over again. I know I am going to be around for a while. I know I will, because I will not let it win. I will not let it destroy my hopes of being a mother. I will not let it snicker at my worries. I will not let it capture my peaceful mind. I will not let it breathe.
Life is too short to be angry for too long. Life is too short cry over what may never come. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Today’s happiness – listening to my favorite Ben Harper song, sitting in our dimly lit office, watching an April shower out my front window. The stillness and tranquil quiet of my house coating my mind. The pool of darkness, slowly shrinking, drying up as it should.