Today is National GIST Awareness Day.
Last year, I was a featured blogger on ihadcancer.com and wrote this piece describing my journey. I wrote a blog post about life with GIST last year, as well, [you can find that post here]. This day floods my mind with memories. It forces me to reflect on the past and where I want to go in the future.
I have to admit, there are times I completely forget I’ve had a cancer diagnosis. I skip around life without a worry or concern in the world. I eat all the carbs I can get my hands on. I forget to take my chemo pill after dinner.
I love those days.
Those are the days I wish I could freeze time. Those are the days I feel like the old Kaylee. Those are the days I truly feel invincible.
Most days are not like those days, especially recently.
I’m not sure if it’s the approach of my five year mark, [April 2018], or just in general, my anxious personality, but my mind is starting to slowly go crazy.
In past years, I’ve talked a big game of going off of chemo early, having children the second I’m off of chemo, and how excited I am to just be again. But, as I’ve begun to think of the reality after chemo, I start to hyperventilate.
“What has cancer done to me?”
I find this question constantly circulating my thoughts and I can’t seem to make it disappear.
I’ve become terrified at the thought of not wearing my protective shield, [chemotherapy]. I’ve become fearful of any new ache or pain. I’ve become frightened at the thought of getting pregnant while still on cancer-watch.
It’ll be a whole new battle come April, but until then, I know taking things day by day is key. Being the planner that I am, it’s an extremely hard mind set, but it is the best thing I can do for myself moving forward.
All I can do is be positive, think positive, do positive.
“Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up.
That’s called Hope.”
xo, my roses