Disclaimer: this post is will discuss the reasons chemotherapy & cancer sucks.
It’s over a month since I’ve switch from the name brand chemo to the generic chemo. It’s been over a month of muscle cramps at night, preventing sleep. It’s been over a month of running to the bathroom multiple times – one day it was EIGHT – imagine that, being a teacher – not an easy task. It’s been over a month of stomach pains & snoozing in a fetal position. It’s been over a month of starting runs on the treadmill downstairs, and having to stop because of constricting cramps or a restroom trip. It’s been over a month of putting on a brave face around friends and family, when all I want to do is clutch my tummy & wrap up in a cozy blanket.
It’s safe to say, my body is responding differently. It’s not in my head. I’m not talking myself into anything.
Currently, this new pill is not making life easy.
There are times I can’t sugarcoat or sail smoothly over these cancer/chemo issues.
Sometimes, things are just tough.
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy – we’ve been working on a big tile project, [photos to come – it looks fantastic!], we’ve celebrated a 30th birthday, & we’re looking forward to our spring break vacation in Mexico in less than two weeks. I’ve been trying to stay positive. I’ve been trying to think of ANYTHING else besides the aches and pains this new little pill has brought into my life.
But again, sometimes things are just tough.
I have my next scans at Mayo next week on Tuesday. It’s probably one of the first times I’m actually looking forward to a scan appointment. Yes, you read that right: I’m looking forward to it. I want my doctors to solve some of these problems. I want to go back to my old chemo pill. I want my last year to be on easy street, but maybe I’m dreaming by thinking that it would be painless and quick.
I also think I’m ready to get off chemo completely.
A bold statement, I know. But I am ready.
I’m not going to spend the next year of my life running to the bathroom while having sleepless nights, if the brand name chemo isn’t attainable. I just won’t do it.
I’m also not ready to hear comments: ‘You only have a year left, can’t you just make it that long?’ Or ‘Won’t it be worth it in the end?’ etc… Let me just put this out there: if you’re not living in it, you have no idea what it’s like.
I feel like my catch phrase throughout most of my posts is “If I’ve learned anything…”
If I’ve learned anything these past four years, I’ve learned life happens, whether or not you’re prepared or ready. Life will throw you twists and turns. It will throw you on a roller coaster, spin you, dip you, flip you, and spit you out when it’s done. I’ve learned that no matter how much I’ve planned or prevented, life could hand me a sour lemon at any time.
So, I guess I’m currently being dipped on the roller coaster, feeling nauseous, but I guess I’m prepared for the next big hill to climb;
I’m also ready for the next big curve ahead.
As always, thanks for listening –
xo my peanuts.