My three year scan = clear.
As I wrote on Sunday, my need to get into Mayo early this time around was weighing heavy on my mind, my emotions, my night’s sleep… everything. I had endured some unknown aches and major discomfort last weekend that lead me to heavy pain medicine & a racing mind. I had spent the weekend trying to keep busy, as much as my aches and pains would allow, & followed up with my Mayo doctors on Monday afternoon.
My scans were scheduled for Thursday morning; cue the inability to think about ANYTHING else until that time arrived.
The night before visiting the Mayo Clinic, Tony & I visited a spiritual healer, Michael. I have seen him two other times over the past three years & have felt truly blessed after spending an hour in his presence. Michael works with four archangels. He can speak with them & them with him. They guide him on how to heal people’s pain, find strength, let go, & how to find peace. A couple summers ago, I wasn’t quite sure what I thought, however he has left with believing.
The two times I have seen Michael, him and his angels do their thing & leave me reassured that everything will be okay. This time wasn’t any different. I had told him and the angels what I had been feeling, including my anxieties about my upcoming visit, and let him work. Him and his angels found a couple tiny, specs of light, [which he explained to me in my first visit are cancer], lining my stomach & one on my kidney, which they removed. Once the specs were removed, he propped me up on his table and said something, something that has gripped my mind, hard.
Usually, everybody has this line of health & it stays high when they’re healthy and doesn’t dip. When you go through something like cancer, that line falls to the cancer-line. On the journey of trying to reach that healthy, high line again, people may dip even further below the cancer line. They may have to battle disease & most times, fight hard to climb back up, by going through chemo, fighting off illness, and other things. Then, once they’re back at that cancer line again, a lot of people think they’re good, even though they haven’t climbed all the way back up to that healthy line, that high line. People are unaware that more times than not, getting something like cancer is their body’s way of dealing with an emotional stress or physical stress in their life & until they’re willing to face that issue, that cause, they may never reach that high, healthy line again.
Now, I probably didn’t reiterate this point the best way possible, but it made perfect sense to me.
He’s talked to me about dealing with stress in past visits, but as he was explaining this level of health, measured on these horizontal lines, I immediately knew the emotional stress my body hasn’t quite faced. It started as an emotional need. A need Tony and I had started discussing before my diagnosis. It is something that still pulls and plucks at my heartstrings, no matter how busy I keep myself or how many projects I start…
Babies. Children. Growing our family.
It is something I continue to stress about; what’s our plan? When will our time come? Is it supposed to come? Are we missing signs?
It’s been almost three years since my diagnosis. Three years of living. Three years of tears and throwing anger filled fits. Three years of chemo and scans. Three years.
This week I put all the pieces to the puzzle together.
After leaving my blood draw appointment, I was reminded things could always be worse; I’m incredibly lucky the chemo works for my type of cancer; I can still live the life I want, for the most part. After seeing Michael, I realized I somehow need to control and deal with this emotional need of children; I need to find peace with the timeline God has given me; I need to remember I will be a mother. After driving away from Mayo, I embraced the feeling of being cancer free; I welcomed the emotions that drowned my concerns of disease; I let sleep cover me with her blanket & slept a calming, deep slumber.
Here’s to another healthy year, xo