today’s wednesday?

Hold on, today’s Wednesday??

Not yesterday?

I have officially lost it.

ecard

I am not quite sure what’s happening with my mind – for real. I used to be extremely organized, I would stay focused & complete tasks I’ve started, & no mini anxiety attacks. Now, like I said, I think my mind is disappearing. Today was the last day of school (!) and we leave for Mexico on Saturday for Tony’s brother’s wedding (!); I also need to have my entire classroom packed up and ready to move tomorrow morning, pack for Mexico, clean my house, & run last minute errands. I have a thousand to-do lists: one in my planner, a couple in my phone, reminder alarms set to go off, etc… yet, yesterday I legitimately thought it was Wednesday.

I’ve lost it.

 Today, one of my best friends told me she was moving to from the cities to the northern part of Minnesota & asked if I wanted to join her and another friend for dinner to chat about it. I replied that I would love to & just needed to double check Tony’s schedule…. SOOO.. I leave work, (after a celebratory drink with my teacher friends), drive to the nail salon & debate whether or not to get my mani/pedi tonight or Friday (decision made? Friday afternoon), tell my dad I would go shopping with him for new swim trunks & head to my parents to pick him up, arrive at my parents house and admire their new fancy garage flooring, head toward the mall, turn around and bring my dad back home because I needed to pick Ace up from doggy day care by 6:30, (it was now 5:30), get Ace, come home, start packing & realize the clock says 7:30. I had completely forgotten about meeting my girlfriends for dinner.

Do you see my point? Do you see my destructive path of disorganizational thoughts? Is that normal?

Maybe it’s normal, but I guess what I am saying is it is not normal for me! Being organized is one of my things. My mom used to call me and say, “Kaylee, you need to come over and help me.. I’ve started five projects and can’t seem to get anything finished. I need you do make me to-do lists and check things off, one by one.”

I don’t think she’d ask for my help anymore.

Welp- here’s to tomorrow being THURSDAY, (I got that part right, at least), a week of relaxation in Mexico, and summer break; it’s so close, I can taste it.

xo

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a puppy party

Today is Ace’s second birthday.

I’m just going to put this out there now – judge all you want – I had a mini birthday party for my dog.

Seriously, judge me. I know I sound a like a crazy.

However, at least I KNOW I’m a crazy, right? By admitting and knowing I’m a little nuts, I think it makes it more sane throwing a celebration for your dog? Right? Right?

Ah.. Okay. I will say it. I am a crazy dog lady.

Today, I strapped a party hat on Ace, took some pictures, & made dog cupcakes, [pupcakes is actually the correct term :) ]. Tony and & bought gifts, wrapped them in bags with tissue paper – to make the hunt of opening the gift fun for Ace, obviously – and were just shy of singing happy birthday out loud. I would LOVE to know what Ace was thinking. He got anything his little heart desired, [including some of the shredded chicken I made for dinner], & I can’t help but wonder if he as any inkling as to why.

I posted a birthday shout out on instagram today for my little guy saying, ‘…he has done more for us then he’ll ever realize,’ & could cry when I think about the truth behind that statement. Have any of you seen the photography album of the black lab’s last day, eating cheeseburgers, running through a water park, picnic in the park with his family, & then that gut-wrenching, tear-jerking ending when they put it down? You can find it here, but I will warn you – have a box of tissues, or ten. Even finding the link, I ended up watching it again, & of course I’m sitting here crying.

Anyways, back to my point.

Ace has really done more for Tony and I then he will ever realize. The past two years he’s been our baby. He’s given us another outlet for our love. He has taught us lessons about ourselves, our marriage, and how to love unconditionally. I know that’s a cliche, and is said about dogs often, but seriously, how the heck are we deserving of THEM? Ace’s biggest worry in life occurs when we leave for work in the morning. He impatiently waits for us to return & suffers from mini panic attacks thinking we won’t, practically becoming undone until we walk safely through the front door.  We yell at him when he barks at the neighbors out walking, but in his mind, he’s trying to keep us safe & is alerting us of a possible intruder. We swear under our breath when we trip over him in the kitchen getting dinner made because he’s always in the way, when in realty, he literally just wants to right next to us.

And come on, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone happier to see me when I come home.

Seriously.

Nobody compares to Ace’s wiggle-butt of excitement.

I haven’t shared the details from my last Mayo visit yet; I plan on it, just trying to find the right words. There’s a possibility, [and when I say possibility, I mean most likely… & by most likely I mean IT WILL HAPPEN], that children will be delayed another two years, in addition to the year I still have left on chemotherapy. There’s currently a five year study being done on my chemo & the results seems to point to more positive outcomes then being on chemo for three years – my original plan. Long story short, we have a lot of big decisions in our future & looks like an even longer period without children. Ace has licked my tears & snuggled my stresses away the past couple weeks.

He has been my little light; my little ball of kisses; my little secret keeper; & my little best friend.

I am so thankful Tony and I have him as part of our family.

Here’s to our first farmer’s market walk/visit tomorrow morning!

xox

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mother’s day

Mother’s Day consisted of my favorite egg bake, a mimosa or two, & family.

It was a tough day for my mom; my grandma passed this time last year & changed a lot of family traditions. I am not going to be a downer today, however, today was very difficult. I had my sad moments this morning, but seeing how much my mom’s heart hurt killed me. I wish there were words to help her. We [my sisters and I] put on a beautiful brunch this morning. I planned out every detail – colorful, floral napkins, mint glasses, and a lot of wonderfully smelling flowers. My sister even picked up these adorable fruit tarts from the local bakery.

Everything my mom loves.

The amount of love and appreciation I have for my mom is hard to put into words. She is my best friend, my secret keeper, my listening ear, my mentor, my role model. She is my mother & I am lucky.

xo

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& it’s only the beginning

Happy Thursday, Friends!

I write to you this Thursday evening with a jumbled brain & a thousand to-do lists. After the whirlwind of my scans at Mayo, I have been movin’ & shakin’; unfortunately, as the title says, it’s only the beginning. [Sorry there was not a Wordless Wednesday post  – I think it’s the first time I’ve missed posting a picture since I started that tradition!]

Some happenings from the week: Trampled by Turtles concert, the first book club meeting[!], tutoring after school, my first co-ed volleyball game of the summer, & a tick bite for Ace, [not a real tick bite; today we learned gnat bites also look like deer tick bites – we didn’t freak out at allllllllllllll…].

Trampled:

You know the old saying, “Music is good for the soul?” I am a hard believer in the truth behind these words. Given other posts of mine, you all KNOW how important music is to me, but after a clear scan, it’s REALLY good for my soul. We ventured downtown with good friends of ours to watch one of my favorite bands, Trampled by Turtles, and the night was simply amazing.

 Book club tid bits:

I was the host this month & as you know, we read a favorite of mine: The Book Thief. Our first turnout fell a little short, [ 5 of 12 showed]; however, this is one of the busiest times of the year & I’m kicking myself I didn’t start in the winter season like I had wanted to originally. The five of us still rocked a mini discussion & for the most part – everybody liked it! [Whew!] My mom and Tony helped me come up with a menu of German-inspired appetizers to serve, [we had some time to kill in between tests/scans & my doctor’s appointment at Mayo – four hours!], & some German flavored beer :) I’m looking forward to next month; we will be reading, The Help, & can’t wait for this club to take off!

bookclub1

 Reuben Pizza | Baked Apple Kielbasa | Mustard Dip | Black Forest Chocolate Dessert

Have you ever felt like you just can’t catch your breath? Or just can’t keep up in general? What am I saying… of course you have felt that way before! Glancing at my calendar the other morning during my prep, I have exactly two free weekends from now until the second weekend of November. Yes…..two. Some of the highlights to come? Watching my sister graduate high school, [heads up – I’ll be a mess], helping a couple of my best friends celebrate weddings, & getting to see Bon Iver live in July.

Did I mention I’m switching positions at work next year? & That I also get to write new curriculum for three NEW classes? Yes, it will be interesting.

Maybe the laundry won’t get done as often as it used to?

I think I’ll survive.

This weekend’s plans? Hosting a girl’s night for my best college girlfriends tomorrow night, attending a baby shower Saturday morning for another college friend, [hence the girl’s night of college friends in town], shopping and meal prep for Mother’s Day brunch on Sunday, & celebrating my beautiful Mama on Sunday with my family. Whew.

Watch out weekend – you’re mine.

Off to watch the MN Wild try to pull out a win this fourth game. xo

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happy national teacher’s day!

A letter to all fellow educators: 

Thank you.

You mold the minds of the future – literally. Educators do not get nearly as enough credit as they deserve. You spend your day teaching students life long skills, as well as the state standards we are all judged upon. You & you alone hold the light at the end of the tunnel for the majority of the little ones that gaze upon you daily. They look to you to guide them through uncertainties, protect them, & nurture them.

Thank you.

You are known for easy work week hours & taking off an entire summer, when the realty is your job never stops. You are continually grading, planning, grading, creating, grading, growing professionally, grading, teaching summer school, grading, working an extra job, grading, unit planning, grading, curriculum writing, grading…But maybe they’re correct when they ask, “oh, you’re a teacher, isn’t it fun to just sit around all summer?” :) 

Thank you.

 You don’t work towards bonuses or extra bumps in pay, but for simply the satisfying feeling of a student’s light bulb finally turning on; a student’s understanding how to infer, sequence, multiply, subtract, etc… You are looked upon as glorified babysitters, but do not ever show discouragement because of this label. You continue to lead, teach, & mentor.

Thank you.

You are selfless, giving, & compassionate. You are a parent, a coach, & a friend.

You are appreciated.

“Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities, because in each of us there is a private hope and dream which, fulfilled, can be translated into benefit for everyone and greater strength for our nation.”
John F. Kennedy

 

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after a scan 

Today, I write as Kaylee; not a cancer patient, someone on chemo, GIST fighter, etc… I am Kaylee. I am cancer free. I am a wife, a Vizsla mama, a teacher; I am just your average 28 year old, sitting in the sun, on my patio, listening to music, [trying to avoid a sunburn]. 

Today, I’m Kaylee; I am an avoider of cleaning my kitchen floors. I am chef, planning my weekly menu for gatherings with friends & book club. I am an athlete, looking forward to my first co-ed volleyball game on Wednesday.  Today, I am Trampled by Turtles fan, anxiously waiting to see them in concert tonight. 

Today, I’m Kaylee; I am carelessly singing to Atmosphere, while throwing a frisbee for Ace to run down. I am a gardener, plucking weeds from my peony shoots, [my grandma would be proud I finally figured out this job is a must for healthy plants]. 

Today, I’m just Kaylee, without a worry in the world. 

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t’was the night before Mayo

You know the feeling you got as a little kid when the night before Christmas rolled around? The excitement? The thoughts of dancing sugar plums? The wondrous ideas of what will be waiting for you under the tree the next morning? The little amount of sleep you’d get because your ears were perked to hear Santa?

The night before a scan is similar.

Yes, there are thoughts twirling in my head, but are made up of what ifs & the potential new paths I may be stumbling down if the news isn’t what I want to hear. Yes, there is somewhat of an excitement, but the excitement is a longing for a positive report, & to continue living; carefree, for the next six months until the next scan returns. Yes, I get very little sleep. I spend most of the night tossing and turning & saying, “if I fall asleep now, I’ll get five hours of sleep……. If I fall asleep now, I’ll get three hours of sleep,” and so on. There are many times I’ll feel Tony’s hand gently rest on my back; to try to calm me down.

As much as I try to think positively, I also have to prepare for the worst. I will not allow myself to get blindsided again. I have to be protected. I lay out the possibilities of disease returning: How will I respond? What plans will I make? I remind myself: life will go on. I am strong, I can handle anything. However, I know it will be difficult to remember if those words I fear creep out of my doctor’s mouth tomorrow afternoon.

I’m back to being terrified.

Last night when we were laying in bed, Tony told me everything will be okay. He told me to get some sleep & not to think about it. He told me he loves me. I’ve been told by some of my bests friends that I am getting positive thoughts and prayers this week. It helps to know I am so loved, even though that sounds silly to say. It does help.

I am also back to being angry.

Why, why, why? I despise going to Mayo. I detest loosing sleep. I loathe cancer. It is unfair; all of it. Unfair.

But before the tears return & fall, I will suffocate them. I will not partake in a Kaylee Pity Party.

Here’s to tomorrow.

  

  

 

 

 

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